In comparison to Sophia, my life has been one of relative ease and love. I have been blessed abundantly in so many ways. Then unbidden, the memory of the little girl who had died in Auschwitz popped back into my mind. I remembered her vivid sensory impressions: the acrid smells that she had breathed, the sensitivity of her touch, her despair and the sounds that had frightened her. I also recalled her entry through the gates of the Auschwitz Extermination Camp and recollected the pain that she had endured while she was an inmate in this concentration camp’s hospital ward.
I have released most of her trauma, but this time there were impressions that I had not experienced before. I felt this little girl’s anger with God; it knew no bounds. After her demise, I believe that she questioned God, as only children can do, with how and why a fatherly God had allowed such atrocities to occur and I knew that she certainly did not tolerate any of His answers or explanations.
What Loving Source would want to punish a child in such an evil manner? This broken little girl formed a belief system that said that she was simply not worthy enough to be one of God’s children – that she was only an insignificant cell in the body of The Greatness. She could not fathom how God had stood by (and seemingly, still does) and watched all the atrocities that happened in this world. She was very angry.
Her questions, stirred my own deep-seated anger; an anger that had been my companion for many years. In order to be perfect, I had, had to bury it. This had undoubtedly contributed to my unconscious decision to live my life cautiously and seriously. Perhaps, my buried anger had opened the door for RA to teach me how much I wanted to live life? On our last night, at Spitzkoppe, I too began to speak to God echoing the same pain-filled search for answers. page 5 (656)
Malcolm, unaware of the emotions boiling inside me, stacked the wood for our evening braai (barbeque) as I sat quietly and looked towards the evening sky. As the sky turned to soft and gentle shades of blue and pink, I closed my eyes and had my own ‘conversations with God’.
“God, I am so tired of all the trite answers, so religiously and spiritually held. I am not going to accept any patronising answers to my questions,” I said. I insisted on knowing why and how He/She, The True God, could watch the rape of children and adults, the murder, pillage, abuse, muti-murders, the gender-based violence, slave trafficking, power-grabbing, warmongering, unchecked crime etc…and not intervene? How could there be a loving God when All-That-Is allowed such suffering to continue unabated?
Silence…no answers came. I opened my eyes and saw that the potatoes, mealies (corn) and fish had been added to the grid above the coals. It was nearly time to eat and I trusted that the answers would eventually come.
That night I dreamed of a wedding. I saw an array of muted coloured gowns; certainly not the clothes to be worn for a celebration and so, I knew that I was not yet ready for the next step. At least, I had discovered which deep seated belief system was being re-examined. I was now intensely entrenched in the second step of The Go(o)dman’s search for Love Divine. My anger persisted.
Unexpectedly, early the next morning, just before our 10 o’clock departure to our next campsite, I heard the answer.
I start my day by using my breath to connect with God and say a sacred mantra or two. About two months ago, I began to use a verse that I had often said in groups before; it was a verse that had never held any appeal to me.
It goes like this:
I Am the Soul, I Am the Light Divine, I Am Love, I Am Will, I Am Fixed Design.
We were taught to use this mantra in a particular way; however, I have personalised it. This is how I practice it now:
- I Am the Soul…and I breathe myself into God and God into me. I do this several times until I feel a strong connection with All-That-Is.
- I Am the Light Divine…using my breath, I place a Christed-light (variations of gold and copper) all around my body and I wait until it spreads and encloses me in its beauty. I remain sitting quietly…feeling the energy pulsating around me…and within me.
- I Am Love…using my breath once more, I kindle a tone of pink sparkling light to my left.
- I Am Will…I use my breath, and I ignite a shade of blue shimmering light to my right. I wait for it to vibrate.
- Next, I allow the blue and pink glittering sparks to crisscross, merge and settle around the central Christ Light. This vibrant blend of colours often pulses with beauty and I enjoy cocooning myself within it.
- Finally, I say, I Am Fixed Design… I stay within the Three-in-One radiance as described above. At this stage, the original colours intermingle and create a variety of other luminous tones and symbols. This is when I feel at total peace and at Oneness with God.
AND on this morning, as I repeated these words, I felt a resonance of Holy Words within me, “This is your answer, you and every other soul were made from an atom of My Light. This pattern is My Pattern and it is a Fixed Design. This Holy Design cannot be altered. It cannot be changed. This Fixed Design has been created through My Will and My Love. It is Perfect. So, tell me Beloved One, how can I intervene in something that is already Perfect? It will take time for all humans to know that they have Christed Souls. There are no short cuts.
By implication, dear one, each soul must and will find their own way back to Source, from where they emanated. There are many ways and means by which this homecoming is made possible, there is no right or wrong way, it simply is The Way. Each Soul will find their path…in their own time, with grace and purity of Love and Will. So be it”.
I begin to feel the first stages of acceptance, I am filled by this new knowledge and understanding. Stage two of the transformational process had given me the means to lift my ‘stuck’ foot off my link with God. Perhaps the numbness in my physical feet will begin to heal now too?
It was time to leave Spitzkoppe and continue our journey.
